tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-128898462011-04-22T13:08:48.853+08:00tokens and caveats...junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.comBlogger181100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1128142961212979642005-10-01T12:54:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:43.096+08:00what defines me is what destroys me...<br /><br />it's so hard to give up something you're good at, even if no one really knows how good you are...<br /><br />Mr. Selfdestruct...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-112814296121297964?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1127787876410614332005-09-27T10:21:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:43.036+08:00I guess I'm gonna start blogging again...<br /><br />It's been a while since I last posted an entry....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-112778787641061433?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1119851622864893982005-06-27T13:50:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.976+08:00I always feel like I'm alone. I close my eyes and I don't exist for anyone anymore.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111985162286489398?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1119360334854014862005-06-21T23:11:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.911+08:00--You expect good things to happen from your relationship and then you wonder if you're expecting too much.<br /><br />--You try to make excuses for her hurting you.<br /><br />--You start to change the things she doesn't like about you.<br /><br />--You wait for her to voluntarily do the things you want her to do and then you start to think if you're being too demanding.<br /><br />--You feel kinda hurt when she obviously doesn't want to come to the mall with you and then you miss her terribly.<br /><br />--I wear old clothes because I feel comfortable and safe wearing them.<br /><br /><br />*still happy (kinda) shalala...<br />**Tinatamad pa ko umuwi. I wish you were with me.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111936033485401486?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1119331229902636482005-06-21T13:10:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.847+08:00--I've noticed that I often post here only when I'm depressed or sad or not feeling good. I've been quite happy this past few days which accounts for my not posting here. Right now I feel good. Medyo naiinip pero ok lang.<br /><br />--A few hiccups on our relationship but everything seems fine right now. Honesty is still the best policy is what I can say. Not only for her but also for me with regards to what I really feel. I never was that expressive about my feelings to other people and now seems to be right time to change that.<br /><br />--I'm trying to get rid of some negative personality traits, especially those which she pointed out to me, and which I've never really considered that noticeable or that much a problem before.<br /><br />--Work still sucks though. And i really need to save up some money to use while finding a new job.<br /><br />--Do you know that I'm now starting to hate myself everytime i smoke. If only I wasn't physically addicted to the nicotine I would have given it up years ago. And cigarettes seems to be the only thing that's been constantly with me through the bad times I've had. May sentimental value na ang yosi sa akin.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111933122990263648?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1118463052088426082005-06-11T12:03:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.785+08:00Can't seem to relate to anybody today....<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111846305208842608?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1117854745040396952005-06-04T11:08:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.728+08:00my gut hurts and i keep wanting to throw up but nothing comes up, just some dry heaves.<br /><br />have'nt really been eating healthy these past few days (weeks,months?), i may be developing some stomach sickness.<br /><br />personally i think it's because of all these emotions she's making me go through<br /><br />can't concentrate on my work. this sucks.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111785474504039695?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1117853498932383892005-06-04T10:35:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.674+08:00it's not the fact that she still talks to her ex, it's because i asked her often if she talked to him and said that she did not. she lied. what if she lied about all the things she told me about? what if she lies when she's saying that she loves me?<br /><br />i feel so hurt right now.<br /><br />angry at myself for baring my soul for her.<br /><br />i've been real nice to her, genuinely caring about her, tried to boost her self-confidence, made sacrifices for her, i considered her a friend, more than that.<br /><br />i feel so hurt right now.<br /><br />and still i understand her reasons for not telling me, she doesn't want me to know because she knows i'll be hurt. except that she doesn't realize that it hurts me more when i find out that she's been lying to me.<br /><br />i guess when you really care about someone you still try to rationalize her motives even when she's hurting you.<br /><br />sad. fucking world. the one person i really put in the effort to trust,<br /><br />may not be worth it.<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Update:<br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"></span></span>Well, we talked about it. She said what I was expecting her to say, that she just lied because she didn't want me to be hurt by the fact that she still talks to her ex.<br /><br />She said that she really loved me.<br /><br />But the damage has been done. Repairable, but only through her efforts.<br /><br />The seed of doubt had been placed.<br /><br />And her saying that she still loves her ex doesn't help.<br /><br />I truly understand what she's going through, we both need a period of adjustment about this relationship. Pero...<br /><br />Minsan naiisip ko masyado ako mabait.<br /><br />Masyado mapangunawa.<br /><br />Or it may be the fact that I really love her.<br /><br />Lahat may hangganan. She has to let go sometime of her past love.<br /><br />She doesn't realize that what he did to her, making her wait all those years, in effect using her,<br /><br />is what she's doing to me right now,<br /><br />except that she's doing it face to face.<br /><br />And like her I don't deserve it.<br /><br />And like her, if it becomes untolerable I will leave the relationship.<br /><br />I trust her. Even when she tries to avoid showing her eyes when she's saying something important to me.<br /><br />Trust her enough to give this relationship another chance.<span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"><br /><br />My Samantha, I was really hurt when i found out that you were lying to me. Yet I tried to understand. Let's make this relationship work.<br /><br /></span><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111785349893238389?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1117844945323023002005-06-04T08:27:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.619+08:00whatever...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111784494532302300?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116827121905723882005-05-23T13:28:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.563+08:00she doesn't hold my hand anymore...<br /><br />she turns away when i try to kiss her...<br /><br />. . .<br /><br /><br />my mind doesn't seem to work anymore...<br /><br />nothing to look forward to...<br /><br />unappreciated at work...<br /><br />inside i'm numb...<br /><br />talking to someone is becoming such a burden sometimes...<br /><br />i need to get high, go somewhere far away, find a new challenge, get a razor and cut my skin, anything that will make me feel alive again...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111682712190572388?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116654327390839182005-05-21T13:23:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.507+08:00what makes me think...<br /><br />is that she likes me for what i make her feel...<br /><br />not for who i am...<br /><br />and that someday...<br /><br />i won't be able to let her feel appreciated...<br /><br />and then she'll just...<br /><br />walk away...<br /><br />and i'll be...<br /><br />too hurt to go after her...<br /><br /><br /><br />maybe i'm just suffering from the blues today...<br /><br />just a temporary chemical imbalance...<br /><br />what a handy excuse...<br /><br /><br />kuhain na lang sa buntonghininga...<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111665432739083918?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116568760537111212005-05-20T13:40:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.449+08:00I take the time to look up at the stars at night...<br /><br />I take the time to savor whatever pain I have...<br /><br />I take the time to see the basic goodness in everyone...<br /><br />I take the time to appreciate the beauty of the smoke rising up from the end of my cigarette...<br /><br />I take the time to criticize myself...<br /><br />I take the time to wonder if there is a God and what His plans for me may be...<br /><br />I take the time to formulate distrust in what society expects of me...<br /><br />I didn't have much time for anything else...<br /><br />Growing up.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111656876053711121?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116567364732206562005-05-20T13:05:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.389+08:00I admitted that I love her. Not to her, for she probably already knew that, but to myself. And I felt so peaceful after that. All the doubts, all the unrest, disappeared right after that. I wasn't doubting her after all, I was having doubts about myself.<br /><br />I still can't believe her when she tells me that she felt so unappreciated before.<br /><br />She's one of the most awesome persons I've met.<br /><br />I jokingly said to her when we started going out "I like you, magka-level tayo".<br /><br />But she's far better than me. In everything that matters.<br /><br />The world is a bunch of fools for not noticing her, her goodness, her ideals, her personality, everything about her is extraordinary.<br /><br />We watched Episode 3 of the Star Wars series. It was the most predictable among the six episodes. The only saving grace; I was with her when I watched it!<br /><br />Damn, I sound so pacute! :)<br /><br />And I'm considering having a credit card!<br /><br />So domesticated. Gone are the "Kill the fucking yuppie" days.<br /><br />Hmm, I'm growing up.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111656736473220656?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116395290597165602005-05-18T13:16:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.335+08:00I started the day feeling a bit anti-social...<br /><br />She wrote an article about me, what she thinks I'm going through. She pretty much hits the mark. But the thing is I know what I'm going through. What I want to know is what she really feels about me. Sometimes it pisses me off, I always thought I was not emotionally needy but since we started this relationship, ang gulo lagi ng loob ko.<br /><br />Ewan ko ba. Shit.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111639529059716560?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116311563610224262005-05-17T14:14:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.275+08:00I'm feeling better today, I really have been feling quite sick since Saturday, sore throat, coughs, slight cold, body aches, and just a general feeling that it's headed into a full day lying on the bed recuperating.<br /><br />Haven't been smoking that much, thanks to her. I miss smoking although I'm glad I've been able to cut down. She really deserves the credit for that.<br /><br />I miss her. She's just across the room yet I miss her terribly.<br /><br />I've been expecting our supervisor to give me a hard time over something, he's been snapping at most of my officemates almost all week. Still hadn't though. Maybe he can see in my eyes that I'm too happy to care.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111631156361022426?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116310355436227142005-05-17T13:45:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.217+08:00I have a problem with intimacy. I don't get emotionally attached. Not to my parents. Not to my relatives. Not to my friends. Before I met her, I could just leave at a moment's notice and never look back, not really missing anyone I've left behind.<br /><br />It was one of the few things that made me realize I was different from eveyone else.<br /><br />It was part of my core.<br /><br />Or so I thought.<br /><br />She made me feel the need to share my life with someone else.<br /><br />And when I realized that, I also realized how emotionally vulnerable I was.<br /><br />Part of me wanted to break it up, just to run away, as I've done in the past, never look back.<br /><br />But shit, I think a lot about holding her hand, the way her hands become sweaty, and she tries to rub it off my hands.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111631035543622714?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116222270816566232005-05-16T13:38:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.162+08:00"It's not yours to give away."<br /><br />"Yes it is. You gave that medallion to me, therefore it is mine to do what I want with it."<br /><br />"I gave it to you to mark you as being protected from them, if they found out you gave it away you'll never be safe at night again."<br /><br />"That's why I want to give it to her, so that she'll be safe."<br /><br />"Are you crazy!? Think of what would happen if they found out, they'll kill you."<br /><br />"I guess I'll just have to take that chance..."<br /><br />"Hmm, are you in love with her?"<br /><br />"No, I don't think so."<br /><br />"Well then why the hell give it to her?"<br /><br />"I don't know... Maybe i'm afraid of losing her. That's why I want her to be safe. So that i'll have the chance to know if it is... love."<br /><br />"You're a fool."<br /><br />"That's your opinion. Anyway, I've made up my mind about it."<br /><br />"You're a fool, It won't work out the way you think it will, she won't be protected at all."<br /><br />"And why the hell not?"<br /><br />"Because it was never to protect you from them, it was to protect them from you."<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111622227081656623?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12889846.post-1116070212925449682005-05-14T19:27:00.000+08:002006-10-15T17:23:42.084+08:00I met this girl. She inspired me to write again. Thanks!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/12889846-111607021292544968?l=unjaded.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>junhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17599925093801974742noreply@blogger.com1